2003-08-11 - 8:36 p.m.
With nothing but time on my hands, I often find myself lost in thought. Usually about inconsequential things... I study the humans around me in depth as I try to forget that I was once counted among their numbers. Some days it is easy to forget that I was human, while on other days my heart sings for the memories of those long ago days.
Joshua and I have been getting along less and less agreeably. He challenges my every thought and motive. Stubborn child. If I had any wish to show him my full powers, he would regret the things he's said to me. Although I wonder if regret is an emotion that we as vampires can experience. Ah, but yes, I know regret almost as much as I know the thirst. It is a feeling that I try to lock deep within myself, never to show it's face. If I linger on the regrets, what point is there in living? What purpose would there be to continue on in this unlife that I know?
Joshua questioned me today about my true self. He did not wish to learn of the woman I'd been, but rather he seemed to want to know me as I am now. How could I answer his innocent questions when I've forgotten the answer myself.
Who am I now? Am I a monster? I admit to having done monstrous things in my past, but do simple actions make me a demon? I could blame what I have done in my past on my lack of knowledge at the time, but naivety is no excuse for my behavior.
My soul, if I still have one, is tarnished and blackened. I have attempted to polish it, all the while not even knowing if it exists anymore. Without a soul, am I anything at all? Perhaps I am only a hollowed out shell... a pale echo of the woman I was born to be. Like a jack o'lantern on Halloween night, has my inner being been scooped out and tossed aside to bring to surface a horrifying mask? A mask whose main purpose is to frighten and haunt the world.
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