2003-09-08 - 10:55 p.m.
Oh my last entry was pathetic, wasn't it? It was a short moment of weakness. I shan't let it happen again.
Reading my words from that night I am disgusted by the almost human quality to my entry. What right do I have to feel such human emotions? What right do I have to harbor a yearning to see the sun? How dare I wonder at a reason for my existence? I am what I am... a monster for all intents and purposes. There isn't a shread of humanity left within this cold soul.
Given, I am a slight bit closer to humanity than some of my kindred spirits, but I still have not earned the right to believe that there might be some reason, some rational purpose for my walking this earth. If I have not uncovered a reason in all these years, there must not be one. Perhaps we vampires are God's idea of a sick joke. Nay, we were not placed on this planet at that merciful hand of the God that many worship. Are we the work of the devil then? That sounds more logical than any other idea I can come up with, however for that to be true, one must believe in the existence of the dark one. Oh, the signs are there that some evil force exists, just as some light power shines upon the world. Yet religion of all sorts is beyond my realm of knowledge and beyond my grasp.
I believe in the night. I believe in the strength of my kind. I believe what I can see. I have lost belief many decades ago when my prayers went unheard... when I called out for some mercy to end this torment that has become my night to night life. Perhaps the ancient Greeks and Romans were on the right track with their mythological gods and godesses. All those long forgotten powers of light and dark. Each one with an agenda of their own.
I lose myself again in these philosophical thoughts and questions that shall never in my long life be answered. Maybe that right there is the purpose of existence... to always question the unknown and strive to find an answer. Yet when one has lost the desire to know the answer, what point is there?
The thirst is upon me... I must end this train of thought and put my mind towards seduction.
Ah, see how I fight to survive even without the desire I once felt to see the next night. I will go find me a strong lover for the night. One that will willingly give himself to me so that I can feed my dark heart and live another night.
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